Self-discovery

Today was one of those rare days off from work, so after church services and some household chores (including sparring with windshield wiper blade refills, a small thing that can nevertheless make me feel inept –probably because it has to do with cars), I went for a short walk. The smell of winter is on the air, my breath is visible in puffs, and my face gets numb from the chill. Yellow leaves cling to branches and dust the ground with gold, and the dusty pink sunset spreads above the water while I look out over it from the quiet hillside.
Walks help me think, air out my mind of everyday things, absorb some beauty, and let me focus more clearly on deep thoughts. I’ve had a lot of deep thoughts lately, as I am being stretched and made more self-aware. In some ways it is strange to talk of self discovery; after all, if there is one person we should all know well, it is ourselves. However, I am learning that the future self I am getting closer to with each day I live, is a self who has the same unique skills and interests but who is putting them to use in a way that is more satisfying and more aligned with what God intends for me. It is a mystery that transports my mind to the future with many possible scenarios, and it is a promise that keeps some hope alive in me for those days when I feel stuck in the wrong place in the world and can’t wait to be free of it. Pieces of that future self are occasionally moving into focus, as I am reminded of what I love to do and do well, even though I do not know the answer to “what for” just yet. I know that I am a visionary with lots of ideas, a musician who loves to make others happy with a good performance, and a writer who does not yet know what she should write.
As for self-awareness, I daresay there are many people who have not taken enough time to examine their own strengths and weaknesses, personality, and purpose. Some have a job, hobbies, and a profile on MySpace perhaps, but do they discover what they are made of, and made for, a little more every day? Are they defined by what they do, or can they say “this is who I am, so this is what I do”…? I hope that someday when I say “I am a ______” I can say it with the conviction that I have found my truest purpose, and that I do what I do because I love it. It will be interesting then to look back and understand more clearly the things that have shaped my identity.